


That's It, Forever

by BabelFishing



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Post-Canon, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25093978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabelFishing/pseuds/BabelFishing
Summary: If Catra was being honest with herself, her doubt was why she was meditating at that moment. She’d felt a new tongue of doubting flame lick at her mind while she sat beside Adora and the others at dinner. It had found fresh kindling in her conscious and it was all she could think about while Glimmer, Bow, and the others chatted away over supper.The spark had been a newly engraved mural just outside the grand hall. There, Bright Moon’s finest stone masons had made some requested adjustments to the mural of King Micah. Much to Catra’s surprise, King Micah’s stoic form had been joined by a regal depiction of Queen Angella. Here, Catra thought, they could be together. But that will never happen again…Because of me.---A one shot fic about Catra's struggles with her own guilt.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Kudos: 87





	That's It, Forever

**Author's Note:**

> This story draws inspiration from (and includes allusions to) "The Ballad of Love and Hate" by the Avett Brothers. It fits these two perfectly, especially as they reconcile their past. I recommend giving it a listen before reading.

_In for 5, out for 10…focus on what I’m feeling within…_

Catra mentally repeats the mantra Perfuma had taught her in one of their first meditation sessions. Even now, she thinks the whole idea of repeating a set of words to “center her thoughts” was a bit overblown.

But she also couldn’t complain about the results. Without question, Catra found herself less overtaken by negative thought spirals in recent months. Even when they did occur, Catra found herself more able to mitigate them or at least express how she was feeling in the moment to Adora.

On that front, Adora was as supportive as ever. At first, she was being her classic heroic self and trying to offer advice for all of Catra’s concerns. But over time, she got better at just listening and acting as a sounding board while Catra worked through her own thoughts and feelings.

_Focus on the wind…let it carry away your negative energy…_

Perfuma’s mantras were far easier to say then they were to act on. Even now, close to a year after Horde Prime had been defeated and Etheria was returned to its verdant, magical state, Catra felt like her claws were still dug into some of her most negative emotions. Chief among those was her doubt, which had its way of making any progress she made feel paper thin.

If Catra was being honest with herself, her doubt was why she was meditating at that moment. She’d felt a new tongue of doubting flame lick at her mind while she sat beside Adora and the others at dinner. It had found fresh kindling in her conscious and it was all she could think about while Glimmer, Bow, and the others chatted away over supper.

The spark had been a newly engraved mural just outside the grand hall. There, Bright Moon’s finest stone masons had made some requested adjustments to the mural of King Micah. Much to Catra’s surprise, King Micah’s stoic form had been joined by a regal depiction of Queen Angella. _Here_ , Catra thought, _they could be together. But that will never happen again…_

_Because of me._

Just that thought alone was enough to ignite Catra’s doubt anew. All through the evening meal, Catra winced at any small reminder of the unimaginable loss she had thrust upon Bright Moon, upon King Micah, and upon Glimmer. In particular, the former Queen’s empty seat at the end of table drove home Angella’s absence, day in and day out.

_She’s gone forever and it’s your fault. Your selfishness took her away from the people who loved her most._

_Everyone knows it. They’ll never forget it._

Those intrusive thoughts ruined her appetite in a matter of minutes. She excused herself quietly, which Adora noticed immediately (after all, she usually made some snarky remark about the cooking). As Catra went to leave the grand dining hall, Adora stopped her in the doorway to see if she was feeling alright.

“I’m fine,” she told Adora, though even Catra recognized that her tone was not at all convincing. “I’m just…not hungry tonight, I guess.”

Adora knew too well that her partner’s appetite wasn’t the issue at hand. Since enjoying one of Glimmer’s steamed buns aboard Darla after being rescued, Catra’s appetite had rarely waivered. But Adora also didn’t want to press Catra if something was on her mind. It was better to give her some space before digging any deeper.

Adora replied, “oh, okay then. I could ask the cooks to make something else up for you…” She trailed off as Catra looked down towards the floor while slowly shaking her head. There, Melog slowly glided into visibility. They accompanied Catra most everywhere now, but their appearance was still a bit of a surprise to Adora. They also wore a listless expression that made it more clear how Catra was really feeling at that moment.

More than anything, Adora wanted to put aside her evening duties and just watch the sunset over the Whispering Woods with Catra. That always seemed to put her at ease, no matter what was troubling her mind. But she also knew that the Star Siblings would only be in Bright Moon for that evening, so she had to hear their report on off-world rebuilding efforts.

Sighing lightly and then looking softly towards Catra, Adora said, “This Alliance meeting after dinner shouldn’t take long…I hope. Once the Star Siblings give their report, I’ll should be able to sneak out. Then, we can…” She trails off again, before returning to her thought, “We can talk about what’s on your mind.”

Catra nods at the offer. She knows she can wait that long to talk, even with her current feelings of mental duress. Even while her eyes remain unfocused on the floor, Catra feels herself being pulled into Adora’s embrace. She lets the calm hug happen and for just a moment, she feels every negative thought in her mind melt away. Adora’s kiss in parting almost makes the feeling of mental relief last.

From there, Catra wondered back up to their bedroom. The relief brought by her partner’s embrace had begun to dissipate as she crossed the threshold. The guilt in her conscious only went into temporary hiding, it would seem. Catra recognized this resurgence in time, though, and tried to take action in the way Perfuma had taught her.

And so, in a matter of minutes, Catra found herself out on the room’s balcony. Her meditation pose may not have been perfect, but it was serviceable enough for Catra to comfortably process her current thoughts.

But there was something about this fresh bout of guilt that she just couldn’t shake, even after completing a full progression of breathing exercises. Her thoughts about Queen Angella had began to sunset as the sky above began to turn towards night. But then, those thoughts began to twist and warp into more intimidating beasts.

Most of those altered feelings of guilt were not new for Catra. In the year since she’d finally had a moment to breath and process her thoughts, these assorted guilty feelings had come to rest on her shoulders more than once. But just as the first stars began to twinkle in the sky above, one intrusive thought in particular shattered her meditative sense of calm.

_Adora risked her life for you. What if she regrets it?_

The “what ifs” are always the worst. Catra knows that shaking them off is almost always fruitless, at least through her usual methods. But this is one of the worst “what ifs,” one that usually lived in the darkest corner of her consciousness. Inevitably, the thought opens up a floodgate of even more debilitating intrusions.

_She pities you. That’s why she stays._

That thought joins the others and begins to really break Catra’s focus. She knows it’s not true – Adora has said as much and reiterated it time and again. But that knowledge is a cheap comfort at this moment. One after another, more intrusive thoughts begin to run over old scar tissue in her mind.

_She’ll grow tired of you over time. It’s bound to happen._

_You’ll only ever hold her back. You’re still a distraction._

_All you ever do is hurt people. All you ever do is hurt her._

By now, the tears have begun to fall in earnest as Catra feels herself beginning to curl up out on the balcony. She can feel her instincts activating her body to run and hide from this invisible threat. But there’s no getting away from her thoughts. She feels frozen in place and frozen in time, even as the minutes start to slip away.

Again and again, Catra’s most guilt-ridden thoughts repeat in her head as Etheria’s moons begin to shine down overhead. Her sense of time dissolves entirely, allowing nighttime to arrive in earnest while she remains caught in her thought spiral. Hours might well have ticked away in that cycle if not for a sound from the bedroom’s entryway.

Catra can’t hear Adora’s concerned voice upon entering their bedroom, nor her urgent footsteps as she approaches Catra’s otherwise unresponsive form laying on the balcony. But when Adora kneels down and places a hand on Catra’s shoulder, she feels drawn out of the spiral for just a moment.

But only for a moment, as Adora’s touch suddenly feels statically charged. Catra instinctively pulls away, causing Adora to pull back suddenly in confusion. She’s now truly concerned for her partner and asks, “Catra, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” in a firm, but still familiar tone. Catra doesn’t supply much of a response, other than just shaking her head slightly. Her slight head movement had been enough to reveal her stream of tears, though.

The two stay like this for a few minutes more, with Catra’s eyes still shut tight and Adora’s eyes wide open in surveillance. Catra’s thoughts begin to settle down slightly, enough for her to pull herself above the waves. Deep down, she can feel Adora’s protective presence over her. For a moment, it reminds her of the way She-Ra’s shield had protected them from harm in the Heart of Etheria.

More minutes pass and Catra begins to feel her breathing settle down. She hadn’t realized it, but she had almost been hyper-ventilating up to that point. With a reliable breath of air in her lungs again, Catra begins to find her voice again. Without moving or looking up at Adora, she whispers a choked, “I’m sorry.”

For a moment, Adora’s not sure how to respond. All of her concern was directed at Catra and yet...she was apologizing for something. After pausing for a beat, Adora responds, “What for? Did something happen?”

Catra finally begins to move in response to Adora’s inquiry. She lifts her head slightly and turns upward towards Adora. Her eyes now are a fiery red from tears and her expression betrayed some lingering feelings of pain. She swallows deeply again before responding in a hushed tone, “I’m sorry for me.”

This time, Adora can’t make out Catra’s quiet response. She bends down a little further and asks, “what did you say?” But almost immediately, it becomes clear that this was the wrong question. Catra begins to move in earnest, sitting up suddenly and sliding herself back toward the balcony railing. All the while, she tries to keep her face hidden from view.

Catra ends up propping herself against the wrought iron railing before repeating herself. “I’m sorry for me,” she pointedly yells at Adora. She hardly takes a breath before continuing with her outburst – “I’m sorry that all I’ve ever done is hurt people. I hurt Micah, Glimmer, Scorpia…you. I know they all say that they’ve forgiven me, but I don’t believe it. They have no reason to forgive me. I’m not worth their forgiveness.”

Catra continues and Adora doesn’t attempt to interrupt her – “And you…I’ve hurt you more than anything. You have the scars to prove it. You...” she chokes back some tears as visions of Horde Prime’s ship flash into her mind’s eye, “you could have died saving me. Horde Prime could have captured you and chipped you…all because of me.”

Catra’s pace of speaking begins to slow back down a bit, but she continue to release her trapped thoughts. “You’ll change your mind eventually, I know it. Everyone gives up on me. They always have. Why would you be any different? You’ll get tired of dealing with…” Catra gestures to herself with both hands, “this.”

After a few more breaths in, Catra looks Adora in the eyes and finishes, “you were destined to wield the Sword, to save Etheria, to save…everyone. Me…I was destined to destroy everything I touch. I almost destroyed all of reality, so what’s stopping me from destroying…” she chokes back yet more tears, “us? That’s why I’m sorry. Because of who I am.”

As she cuts off her stream of conscious, Catra realizes that Adora has started to cry, too. That immediately punches her in the gut because she has always hated to see Adora cry. Even when they were young, even when they were in Horde training, she’d have done just about anything to dry Adora’s tears. But this time, she’d clearly caused those bluebell eyes to tear up.

Adora looks away for a moment before whipping away a few tears. She takes a slow breath in before replying, “Catra, you don’t need to say sorry anymore. Not to Glimmer, not to King Micah, not even to me. We all accepted your first apologies and we know you’ve changed so much, even over this past year alone.”

Adora scoots herself closer to Catra so that they are both by the balcony railing. From there, Adora continues, “More importantly, you’re special to all of us now. I know that feeling still feels foreign after years in the Horde. Believe me, it took me far too long to fully adjust to the feeling that everyone in Bright Moon actually supported me and cared about me.”

Before continuing, Adora takes Catra’s hand in her own. This time, Catra doesn’t pull back or feel a negative charge from their contact. After giving Catra’s hand a squeeze, Adora emphasizes, “Most importantly, you’re special to me. Catra, you’re more special than anyone in my entire life. Even when we were literally at war with each other, I didn’t stop caring about you and worrying about you and hoping you’d find a way out of the Horde.”

Adora squeezes Catra’s hand once more but doesn’t loosen her grip as she continues. “But all of that is behind us now. The war, the conflict, the animosity…all of it is in the past. We’re here now, together. I don’t know how I feel about any kind of ‘destiny’ now. But if I had to have one, it would be with you.”

The air on the balcony is again still and silent, save for the soft breeze and rustle of trees in the nearby Whispering Woods. Catra’s breathing begins to even out once more and her tears begin to subside a bit. She realizes Adora’s arms are around her now, pulling her into an embrace that she’d gladly stay in forever. She pushes her head into Adora’s shoulder and mumbles something quietly.

Adora tilts her head slightly and asks, “what was that?” Catra doesn’t move her head initially, then pulls back enough to say, “thank you” with an earnest tone she had only recently learned to use fully. Turning her head to the side, Catra lays back against Adora’s chest and adds, softly “I love you. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve you.”

With a small but warm smile, Adora looks down at Catra and replies, “I love you, too. I could say the exact same thing, but I don’t think ‘deserving’ has anything to do with it. It’s simpler than that. I’m yours and that’s it. You’re mine and that’s it. Forever.”

Catra can’t help but smile every time she hears Adora say those three small words. They’re still alive with every bit of passion and honesty they embodied in their climactic moment in the planet’s heart. When Adora said them, the sentiment felt like the only certain truth in the world. No matter what the future brought, Catra knew she’d never tire of hearing them again and again and again.

The two sat on the balcony a while longer, in a mutually meditative state. Catra’s mind had calmed to a gentle rhythm, confident for the moment that she no longer needed to feel guilty in Adora’s eyes. She could feel herself gently drifting off while still leaning gently against Adora’s chest. Here, beside Adora’s heart, she knew that she’d always find comfort.

As Catra slowly drifted into sleep, her mind finally came to a rest on the only request she’d ever make of Adora, come what may.

_Stay, stay, stay._


End file.
